For Chris - Deaths' Winter Season

It has taken me a long time to put into words how I feel about losing my little brother . . this poem touches on some of my feelings. . If I write about him I feel connected to him.

For Chris
Deaths' Winter Season

Today I sat and cried for you in vain
When tomorrow comes, I'll surely do the same.
Although there may be no tears on my face,
in the my heart, the grief is holding place.

There are memories of you that make me smile,
even if for just a moments while
for I still know, that everyday, brand new
will begin and will end, without you.

Will time heal the shifting pain within
knowing I cannot see you again
which turns the days ahead harder to face,
while, in my heart, the grief is holding place.

So be the path of heaven you may walk
and to the heavens angels you will talk
to lay your soul among the very best
and in peace, eternal, you shall rest

Life is the summer of deaths' winter season
still losing you, I find no sense or reason
when talking to the angels, ask them to reply
as I'm screaming at the heavens asking why you had to die

To believe your sense of spirit follows through
heals not, this life, to live now without you
I close my eyes, so I can see your face
set in stone, my grief is holding place

It's not fair and it shall never be
but if in heaven, I do hope you see . .
the love for you held firmly in it's place
by everyone who felt your touch and grace

And tho' I know I'll never understand
I'm grateful for our time spent hand in hand
my brother, I will always see your face
set in stone, my grief is holding place

Bella-Magic
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Dance in the Shadows

This poem is brand new, only written last night . . I have struggled with writers block for awhile and it has been so frustrating, especially when I have had no problems writing since I started, way back when I was in Grade 4. . . As I read it over, I realise that it is a reflection on how I can feel about myself at times . . It's not one of my best, but that being said, it's not one of my worst either. . .

Dance in the Shadows

She sat very still by the window, the light
framing her face until day turned to night
and then with the shadows, she'd dance cross the room
her silohette framed by the light of the moon.

Alone in the corners, her memories kept
under the cobwebs, so long ago swept
sheets draped over mirrors so she cannot see
the frame of the woman that she used to be.

Her heart beats the music, replayed in her mind
as she side-steps herself and all she's left behind
counting the stars in her own eyes to see
the illusion of someone, who she'll never be.

As daybreaks and sunlight turns golden the air
by the window she sits again, still in her chair
willing the hours of blue sky away
hiding herself from the light of the day.

Framed by the light through the window, her face
is ageless and knowing and showing her grace
but eyes lowered, lest in the light she can't see
the pieces of self she is too scared to be.

"Bring me the darkness" she cries to herself
"let me dance in the shadows as somebody else
show me no sun and I'll show you no pain"
Show me no give and I'll show you no gain.

She will dance with the shadows, alone with the night
counting the stars until dark turns to light
willing away any chance she may see
the shades of the someone she'd once hoped to be.

And so, by the window, she still sits today
framed by the light she is wasting away
waiting for darkness, so she'll never see
herself as the darkness that she's come to be.

Bella-Magic
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Be Kind to All, Our Own

I like this one because it's one of those poems where I picked up the pen and started writing and didn't know what it was about until I had finished it . . .It's really just the concept of "what goes around, comes around" and about having empathy and understanding for others in this life that none of us really has a clue about. .

Be Kind To All, Our Own

When ambling along this yellow road made out of bricks
choosing to break bones by throwing stones, or swinging sticks
eventually the shade of mud becomes those, as it flicks
back to the dog inside that is too old to learn new tricks . .

The poets and the prophets call 'to do as you want done'
Darkness falls in step with those who share their light with none.
Blessed are the knowing, who will walk before they run
away from milestones of the minions and their quest to stand as one . .

Aversion is an ignorance that sidesteps with a smile,
as fashion dictates, people too go in and out of style.
Strangers are the grace that saves our truth, but for awhile
Until comtempt that's bred by all familiar meets their mile. .

Wish good health and share the wealth of fortunes fair and true
pass the glass that's filled as half to someone next to you
Wash your fears with strangers tears, who cry a different view
and reflect ourselves into what someone else is going through . .

Mind and matter makes the maze that makes a thought to own
and cultivates a conscience garden, time has overgrown
tangled vines and signs of seeds we never would have sown
if when and will had waited til the better choice was known . .

Forgiveness is the gift of breeze that blows the clouds away
and then within our soul illudes to warmth of summers day
best not yet, forget your damage done along the way
and lesson heed, nips guilt and greed, not darling buds of May . .

To kick the down, to hurt are shadows cast before the break
of that day the heart beats more than once the same mistake
shall the kicked recover quicker than the shadows make
another wrong turn at the roads that cross all they forsake . .

Denial drapes a fabric lace across the hope to hide
the murky depths of worn and worst we long be lost inside
as the memory of how it was, was not before we lied
but only to ourselves, beware, what was, won't be denied . .

Reason has belied the rhyme of words that dance my page
see value in the volume sense that grows with all that age
trust the steps of tried and true, all trapped in the one cage
Be Kind To All, Our Own and peace of mind, the measured gauge . .

Bella Magic
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Perfect Half

This is about being so in love and asking the "fates" why it couldn't of happened sooner . . . this was written in around 2005/2006

Perfect Half

Yesterday, return to me, you must heed my demand
Don't delay, it burns in me, this need to understand
Why fates design has kept him from these moments all my life
and now to love him there is so much I must sacrafice

Yesterday, may I steal a minute of your time
hear me say I trust and feel within it, he was mine
so many times my heart has faltered, now I understand
the winding roads I travelled were all leading to this man

Yesterday, I know I loved him, even though I know
I never knew him, but I knew that someone loved me so
I used to dream that there was someone who was made for me
a perfect half, our souls entwined, a true loves destiny

Yesterday, I never held him like I do today
and I believe that in his arms is where I'm left to stay
how wonderful it feel to love without inhibition
yesterday cannot deny my heart this full submission

Bella Magic
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Don't Dodge Deal

For Jo-anne

Thankyou for your words encouraging me to start sharing my poetry again and making me realise that even if it's only one person who reads and enjoys my words, then they were not written in invisible ink. . .I thought the following poem was appropriate in regards to me not following through on what I started. I wrote it a couple of years ago about dealing with depression and insecurity. .


Don't Dodge, Deal

Take one step at a time on this road you walk upon
Recall to mind all you've done right and not what you've done wrong
We share the guilt of bad decisions, but the worst one we can make
is choosing to repeat what you've not learnt from your mistake

In moments when you want to run, it's always best to stay
If you don't deal with your demons, they will never go away
They'll keep snapping at your heels until you're bitten with regret
Dark memories will not disappear by simply choosing to forget

Don't try and hide your darkest thoughts, stand strong and embrace them
Their disappearance is immediate, just find your strength and face them
Each new day belongs to you, don't let the darkness steal it
if your self-doubt makes decisions, may your confidence appeal it

You know, given time, things aren't always as bad as they seem
Don't waste your time on negative, save all your energy to dream
You have the power to believe and the courage to aspire,
Find the strength to find a way to acheive what you desire

It will never be an easy fight against the voices from within
your soul will bear some battle scars, but it's worth it when you win
When you're up late and lonely the inspiration to stay strong
is to remember that today's turn to tomorrow's til we're gone

Bella-Magic
copywrite

I woke up crying

I wrote the following for the man that I am in love with and have been for close to 5 years now. I wrote this about being away from him when he was in prison. He changed his life for me and for his family. I couldn't love him anymore than what I do right now.

For Nathan

I woke up crying

I woke up crying knowing,
open eyes would not present me
The vision that I crave, as I long each night to be
Pinned down by the weight of you as iris blue collide
I woke up crying, knowing,
you were not lying by my side.

As I am hiding, waiting
under covers through the night
Tears falling on my pillow, rolling silent is my plight
Calling to my lover and until lover replies . .
I will always greet the morning,
with tears staining my eyes.

Bella Magic

To Stain the Soil

I have had a few days off - got lost in the long weekend. The first poem I am posting I wrote after seeing the Twin Towers fall.

To Stain the Soil

How are we meant to comprehend the tragic loss of life?
when we are told of hundreds murdered, by a martyrs sacrifice?
How do we still the hatred, fuelled by this constant grief?
Does every country have a hero, does every country have a theif?
How do we stem the flow of blood that's staining all soil red?
If, in life, we fight the difference, do we rest peaceful once we're dead?

Bella Magic

One or the Other

I remember my Dad telling me when I was a young lass that "a hundred people will come for a party love, but only one or two will stay to help clean up" and that "at the end of the day, there is only you". I wrote this poem to relfect those feelings, because, it's true. At the end of the day, it is our decision to make whether we go forward or we stay and dwell in situations less fortunate. It's always better to move forward!! I have learnt that firsthand. If you can't pick yourself up, no-one else can.

"At the end of the day -there is only me!"

One of the Other

If people in life let you down - do something for yourself
Live high in crowded places or live low, there's no-one else
If you find no satisfaction from those who circle round
Breathe positive, stay standing or breathe negative, hit the ground
If you find that rock bottom is not the greatest place to be
learn from life, own your choices - learn not, cry woe is me!
If wrong turns seem unavoidable and there is nothing going right
accept blame, THEN stand in sunshine - if not - don't sleep at night
If your days are hard to face, choose the comfort of your bed
time's a gift - leave it unopened or see what it is instead
if winter's cold and summer's hot, do we wait for a different season?
brave elements simply because they are there, and have their reason.
If memories face and people leave and we're left with what we know
self belief will take you place self doubt CAN NEVER go
If you have lost direction to the highest point, unseen
give up hope - prepare to settle. HOLD HOPE - keep safe your dream
if confusion reigns and your face is pushed into inept
ask hard questions, get your answers - don't ask and you'll regret.
If your journey's long and laboured, steal all respect for life
glass half full - toast with spoon. Glass half empty - break with knife.

Bella Magic

Not so Much

I'm doubling again. Um-ahh. Today I am posting two poems. They were written a couple of years back now. A point of view about life and human nature. About how hard, but in the same respect, also very necessary it is to stay positive. I'm not sure if these will reflect this opinion, but I believe, that most of the time, it is not other people that let us down, it is the expectations that we have on them. Most of us are very hard on ourselves, but without realising it, we can be very hard on those around us. Most of the time, we all try to do the best we can in any given situation, making decisions based on experience and because it is impossible to experience everything, sometimes we get things wrong. Some of the worst mistakes can come from the best of intentions.

I have taught myself not to judge others, secretly holding onto the hope that this means others will not judge me.

Not So Much

It's not so much we need only love ourselves
for most of us, for most our lives, seek love from someone else.
It's not so much that we need only make it on our own,
for most of us, for most our lives, don't want to be alone.

It is more so, with expectant eyes, we must not look around
for it's the unexpected action that can let us down.
We bury truth so deep within, we lie to ourselves, more than each other
and it's the natural emotion that we fear, so thus we smother.

It's not so much that need to tell ourselves we're wrong
for most of us, for most our lives, lay where we don't belong.
It's not so much that we need only see in black and white
for most of us, for most our lives, choose a different wrong or right.

It is more so that we dare not put all our faith in one
for it will be that power held that causes us to run.
We seek love and happiness, not in ourselves, but in each other
and it is the natural emotion that we fear, so thus we smother.

Bella Magic

Smile

Today I am going for short and sweet. I wrote this one in highschool when I was about 14 years old, for a friend who was having a bad day. A couple of years later I read it on B105 ( a radio station) for some 10 sec fame competition they were having and won $105. So there you go!

Smile

Smile for me, I love you
Chase your blues away
If not for me, smile for all
who share your everyday

Smile for all the sunshine
for it doesn't look like rain
but should it storm, still smile
for the sun will shine again

Smile for all you are
and all that you will be
Tomorrow is a brand new day
My friend, won't you smile for me

Bella Magic

Blanket Box

Today I am posting a poem about my biological grandmother. When the beautiful person I'd known as my Nanna passed in 2000, it was discovered that my mother had been adopted. After some research we found that her mother had died, under suspicious circumstances when she was 33. She left behind 6 children, all of whom had been adopted out. She fell down the backstairs of a then bakery in Springhill.

I took my mother to see the house where her mother had once been and that night I had a dream about a bedroom. When I woke up I wrote this. When I read it over, I realise it is just a fancy way of saying that no matter what I may discover, I will never have the chance to know who she was.

Blanket Box

A chipped and splintered blanket box, with mothballs scattered through.
There are lace curtains, fading yellow. There is no memory of you.
Windows streaked and dirty, the latches rusted through.
Thre is a locket on the dresser. There is no memory of you.

Shadowed corners don't betray the secrets you have kept.
A patchwork quilt lays crumpled on the place where you once slept.
Heavy hangs the musty air, and no trace of you lingers.
Cobwebs twine around the rings, once worn on your fingers.

Weathered floorboards underfoot, and old rug wearing through.
There are scattered broken photo frames. There is no memory of you.
Letters with no words upon the pages I've read through.
There are dried flowers on the pillowcase. There is no memory of you.

Papered walls, so vibrant, now are fading daffodils.
Pot plants pre-arranged, remain, upon the windowsills.
Above your bed you had scratched your name in secrecy.
Revealed in time by pictures that now hang unevenly.

Open drawers do not reveal sentiments to view.
Hidden doors do not appear and open onto you.
As I close the door behind me, cold winds whisper through.
There is nothing to remind me. There is no memory of you.

Bella Magic

Epitaphs Remain

No real reason I wrote this, well none I can remember. It was more that I wanted to try a different writing style - for this I was trying for a 'theatrical, shakesperean' vibe. Ahh my romantic heart. I love words!

Epitaphs Remain

Twilight ebbs and spreads its shadowed wings across the evening
He sits upon the cobbled stairs, so still and barely breathing
Statue stone, he cannot lift his head
It hurts so much, he turns away instead

Crimson red fall the desperate tears of past he's crying
Howling like a wolf, at the wind, he keeps denying
Bitter cold, he calls for her in vain
The ghosts of lovers' lost and only epitaphs remain

So long ago when velvet balck midnight stole the evening
He fell upon the cobbled stairs, defiant, disbelieving
Screaming out "my love, don't go away"
but she was diamons smiling in the sky and couldn't stay

Helplessly, he lent against the balustrade recalling
The first time that he saw her and in seconds he was falling
To love here was what he was born to do
Why would cruel heavens scoop down and steal a love so true

Helplessly he stared ahead where waves of fury roar
Why had he not warned her not to walk upon the shore?
Regrets pound at his heart like stabbing pain
The ghost of lovers' lost and only epitaphs remain

Her presence was so golden, he swore he'd touched the sun
Passion flamed with mirrored souls, two had become one
She belonged to him and he'd remind her
He raised himself on cobbled stones, he had to go and find her

Shaking as he stumbled over rocks beneath his feet
Icy winds whipped him with his own tears of defeat
Numb he throws himself upon the ground
Falling on the part of earth, close to where she drowned

"Mourning turns the purest soul to black, my love" he cried
Submerging in the water in his quest to reach her side
On whispered tortured wings, he frees his pain
The ghost of lovers' lost and only epitaphs remain

Begins eternal is his very search to find his half
Spirits strong above the life, we live like fragile glass
In twilight, souls collide, two lovers sure
Peaceful now they know they'll hold their love forever more

So tragic is the tale of lovers lost upon these pages
The broken bonds of torn romance echoes through the ages
Do we believe that true souls unite as same
And in ghosts of lovers' lost when only epitaphs remain

Bella Magic

Easier to Burn

I missed a day already. Luckily, no-one appears to be reading this, so, it doesn't matter. I'll do 2 today. The best thing about doing is, I think, is that if my children, or in fact, anyone really wants to know the truth of me and things about who I am, who I was, who I've met - etc etc, then reading my poetry will tell the most - over time of course.

Anyway - today's poem is really meant to be a song. I was driving down Ewing Rd on a weekday afternoon and the whole song just popped into my head and I kept going over the words until I could get home and write it down.

It's one of my favourites and it's all about us being kinder to one another, especially those moments when it is really hard to be kind.

Easier to Burn

Seated at a table but the wrong restaurant
I wonder who really ever gets what they want
Life is full of changes and we learn as we grow,
but all I see are strangers and there's not much they know

When will we learn
to be there for each other
not set fire to the faith
that we have in one another
So easy to see, how hard can it be
Sometimes it is easier to burn

Seated at a table on the wrong side of town
No-one there to meet me, there was no-one around
You said that you'd be there, if I need you, then call
You said you were a friend, you didn't mean it at all

When will we learn
to be there for each other
not set fire to the faith
that we have another
So easy to see, how hard can it be
Sometimes it is easier to burn

Seated at a table, it was dark and so cold
Crying like I was only one minute old
don't forget to tell the ones you love everyday
Life is merely moments as our time slips away

When will we learn . . . etc etc


Bella Magic

Count to Ten Mum

Today I have decided to post a quirky little poem I wrote about kids. Kids, kids, kids. Every mother out there should appreciate this one, two, three . . . . .

Count to Ten Mum

There is ONE oddsock in my handbag
TWO foodgroups on the floor
I've got THREE loads of washing to do
Look for pegs, can only find FOUR
FIVE days a week I drive them to school
Spend SIX hours just cleaning up
Only to find it takes SEVEN seconds
for them to mess it back up
EIGHT hours sleep in a thing of the past
I will never sleep in until NINE
thankgoodness I can count to TEN
Counting makes everything fine!

Bella Magic

After I've Gone

Well, I set myself a challenge to post a poem a day. Day 4 and I'm still doing it - baby steps.
Today I am posting a poem I wrote when I was trying to find a way to express how I feel about my children and what would comfort them once I'm gone.

I wish I had thought to use this for my brother when he passed in September for I know he felt the same way about being a father.

I like this one, I hope you do to.

After I'm Gone

Pages holding words of me I trust you to believe
Seize the spirit of the love and legacy I leave
When the dust has settled, when all is said and done
I'll be forever with you as our hearts all beat as one

I am the privileged vessel that delivered you to breath
And I shall stir within you, throughout life and after death
Seek and you will find reflections of me in your eyes
your mother first, the rest of me is all but a disguise

The best of me will tumble through the turnstyles of your days
Use me as a gift of guide to navigate your maze
Do no squander precious time on tears when I have gone
spend time with your thoughts of me and use them to stay strong

Believe in me and all my love that overflows for you
Know that I'll be proud, supporting everything you do
I am always with you, though eternal I now rest
and because of life created, my own life was truly blessed

Promise me you'll always trust the love that we have shared
Forgive me if in anyway, I've left you illprepared
Pursue your dreams relentlessly, remain to your heart true
Embrace the love and legacy of me, that lives in you.

Bella Magic

Robbed a Matilda

For a laugh.

I wrote this because I thought it would be a funny way to express my concern about the rising price of petrol and cause I thought it was a little bit clever.
These days I don't have to worry that much about petrol prices - I need to find myself another car first.

Hope today's writing gives you a giggle.

Robbed a Matilda
(words to the tune of Waltzing Matilda)

Once a V8 driver stopped at a petrol pump
saw fuel was priced at a dollar and three
and .. he cried as he threw his carkeys in the nearest bin,
"I can't afford to go driving" said he

As he walked down the road to protest all the petrol hikes
a beautiful girl stopped to give him a ride
they ... fell in love and to-day's economy
forced them to be the next Bonni and Clyde

They robbed a Matilda, robbed a Matilda
they robbed a Caltex and then a BP
and they laughed as they drove away with their car full of fuel . .
"we can buy food now the petrol is free!"

For over a year they drove around stealing fuel
saved for a house, even bought a new car
and ... they first time they paid for petrol since they fell in love
they wished they had bought a 4 cyl-in-da!

So they ... robbed a Matilda, robbed a Matilda
they robbed a Caltex and then a BP
and they laughed as they drove away with their car full of fuel . .
"we can buy food now the petrol is free!"

When they were caught and charged with all the petrol runs
they knew the free fuel had come to an end
but to their suprise, their convictions had been overturned
so he slapped her ass and said "let's go again"

So they ... robbed a Matilda, robbed a Matilda
they robbed a Caltex and then a BP
and they laughed as they drove away with their car full of fuel . .
"we can buy food now the petrol is free!"

Don't sing this song while putting petrol in your car
don't do what they did, don't try this rort
but should you decide to try and drive away with fuel
take off your plates and it's hard to get caught

Bella-Magic

Forgotten Best

I wrote this about someone who had been one of my best friends since I was 16 years old. I still care about her very much, you cannot go through the things we've been through and walk away feeling numb. However, you can walk away feeling hurt. I turned to her in my darkest hour and for whatever her reasons, she was not there for me.

If you continue to read my daily poems, you are bound to come across a few that are related directly to the person the following poem is about, which re-iterates our life as friends. I wish we could salvage the wreckage that once was the BFF yacht, but life is, and, life does, so I doubt it.

I have never shown this to her. Perhaps she's never realised just how important she was to me?

Forgotten Best

So, there it drifts around the rivers bend
and times and tides have washed away pretend.
I shall sift no longer through the fragments and the frost . .
search not shallow waters in hope to find what we have lost ..
I pause to wish you best of friendships true -
and I am sorry I was not the best for you.

So, forgotten is the beauty of the flower
it's frangrance shared through bright and darkest hour
I shall run no longer through the forest and the trees
search not tangled undergrowth, upon my bended knees.
I turn and it's with truth I set you free
and I am sorry you don't see the best in me.

So, there's times when vibrant colours fade away
from within the portraits of our yesterday
I shall paint no longer in a cold and dusty room
Search not in the shadows on a sunny afternoon
I stop and wonder if you ever knew
how hard I tried to be the best for you.

So, there's no stones to throw within the glass
there will be no role of villians cast
I shall wait no longer to audition for this part
Search not for an ending that will surely break my heart
I love and see the very best in you
I am sorry that my best will never do.

Bella Magic

The Sculpture

I wrote this when I was disenchanted with love and romance - embracing more of a cynical side of life.

The Sculpture

Carve away the stone until you’re covered in the dust
Of brittle bones and restless tones to shape the image of mistrust
….where underneath the shattered canvass ribs where hearts should lie
Remains the jaded residue of where lovers laid to die

Chip away at ice until you’re covered in the frost
Of sacrifice and restless life to hold the shape of all that’s lost
….where underneath the sapphire melting clarity it seems
Remains the lovers shadows strength relinquishing their dreams

Run your hand around until your fingers break the glass
Of sacrifice and restless sound to shape the future with the past
….where underneath the very feet that bleed red with regret
remains the scarlet tears of lovers rivers being wept

Run away in fear until the yellow covers you
With sharpened spear and restless ear to shape a different point of view
….where underneath the flowing tide of angers burning light
remains the melting core of lovers who have lost another fight

Bella Magic.

Hello - Why am I doing this?

I have always written poems, for every occasion, for as long as I can remember. I have always been a closet writer, but, no more . .

I am tired of regrets AND of my words gathering dust in a suitcase under the bed.

These words are about my life - BUT - more importantly - about those who have shared their lives with me, who have influenced me and all things in between. I want to share my words with anyone who has the time to read them, in hope that they inspire you or are helpful to another. I hope that you will pass them on.

I intend to post one poem a day.
I invite you to share this journey with me.
I promise, it won't be boring.

Thankyou Bella Magic.