For Chris - Deaths' Winter Season

It has taken me a long time to put into words how I feel about losing my little brother . . this poem touches on some of my feelings. . If I write about him I feel connected to him.

For Chris
Deaths' Winter Season

Today I sat and cried for you in vain
When tomorrow comes, I'll surely do the same.
Although there may be no tears on my face,
in the my heart, the grief is holding place.

There are memories of you that make me smile,
even if for just a moments while
for I still know, that everyday, brand new
will begin and will end, without you.

Will time heal the shifting pain within
knowing I cannot see you again
which turns the days ahead harder to face,
while, in my heart, the grief is holding place.

So be the path of heaven you may walk
and to the heavens angels you will talk
to lay your soul among the very best
and in peace, eternal, you shall rest

Life is the summer of deaths' winter season
still losing you, I find no sense or reason
when talking to the angels, ask them to reply
as I'm screaming at the heavens asking why you had to die

To believe your sense of spirit follows through
heals not, this life, to live now without you
I close my eyes, so I can see your face
set in stone, my grief is holding place

It's not fair and it shall never be
but if in heaven, I do hope you see . .
the love for you held firmly in it's place
by everyone who felt your touch and grace

And tho' I know I'll never understand
I'm grateful for our time spent hand in hand
my brother, I will always see your face
set in stone, my grief is holding place

Bella-Magic
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Dance in the Shadows

This poem is brand new, only written last night . . I have struggled with writers block for awhile and it has been so frustrating, especially when I have had no problems writing since I started, way back when I was in Grade 4. . . As I read it over, I realise that it is a reflection on how I can feel about myself at times . . It's not one of my best, but that being said, it's not one of my worst either. . .

Dance in the Shadows

She sat very still by the window, the light
framing her face until day turned to night
and then with the shadows, she'd dance cross the room
her silohette framed by the light of the moon.

Alone in the corners, her memories kept
under the cobwebs, so long ago swept
sheets draped over mirrors so she cannot see
the frame of the woman that she used to be.

Her heart beats the music, replayed in her mind
as she side-steps herself and all she's left behind
counting the stars in her own eyes to see
the illusion of someone, who she'll never be.

As daybreaks and sunlight turns golden the air
by the window she sits again, still in her chair
willing the hours of blue sky away
hiding herself from the light of the day.

Framed by the light through the window, her face
is ageless and knowing and showing her grace
but eyes lowered, lest in the light she can't see
the pieces of self she is too scared to be.

"Bring me the darkness" she cries to herself
"let me dance in the shadows as somebody else
show me no sun and I'll show you no pain"
Show me no give and I'll show you no gain.

She will dance with the shadows, alone with the night
counting the stars until dark turns to light
willing away any chance she may see
the shades of the someone she'd once hoped to be.

And so, by the window, she still sits today
framed by the light she is wasting away
waiting for darkness, so she'll never see
herself as the darkness that she's come to be.

Bella-Magic
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Be Kind to All, Our Own

I like this one because it's one of those poems where I picked up the pen and started writing and didn't know what it was about until I had finished it . . .It's really just the concept of "what goes around, comes around" and about having empathy and understanding for others in this life that none of us really has a clue about. .

Be Kind To All, Our Own

When ambling along this yellow road made out of bricks
choosing to break bones by throwing stones, or swinging sticks
eventually the shade of mud becomes those, as it flicks
back to the dog inside that is too old to learn new tricks . .

The poets and the prophets call 'to do as you want done'
Darkness falls in step with those who share their light with none.
Blessed are the knowing, who will walk before they run
away from milestones of the minions and their quest to stand as one . .

Aversion is an ignorance that sidesteps with a smile,
as fashion dictates, people too go in and out of style.
Strangers are the grace that saves our truth, but for awhile
Until comtempt that's bred by all familiar meets their mile. .

Wish good health and share the wealth of fortunes fair and true
pass the glass that's filled as half to someone next to you
Wash your fears with strangers tears, who cry a different view
and reflect ourselves into what someone else is going through . .

Mind and matter makes the maze that makes a thought to own
and cultivates a conscience garden, time has overgrown
tangled vines and signs of seeds we never would have sown
if when and will had waited til the better choice was known . .

Forgiveness is the gift of breeze that blows the clouds away
and then within our soul illudes to warmth of summers day
best not yet, forget your damage done along the way
and lesson heed, nips guilt and greed, not darling buds of May . .

To kick the down, to hurt are shadows cast before the break
of that day the heart beats more than once the same mistake
shall the kicked recover quicker than the shadows make
another wrong turn at the roads that cross all they forsake . .

Denial drapes a fabric lace across the hope to hide
the murky depths of worn and worst we long be lost inside
as the memory of how it was, was not before we lied
but only to ourselves, beware, what was, won't be denied . .

Reason has belied the rhyme of words that dance my page
see value in the volume sense that grows with all that age
trust the steps of tried and true, all trapped in the one cage
Be Kind To All, Our Own and peace of mind, the measured gauge . .

Bella Magic
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Perfect Half

This is about being so in love and asking the "fates" why it couldn't of happened sooner . . . this was written in around 2005/2006

Perfect Half

Yesterday, return to me, you must heed my demand
Don't delay, it burns in me, this need to understand
Why fates design has kept him from these moments all my life
and now to love him there is so much I must sacrafice

Yesterday, may I steal a minute of your time
hear me say I trust and feel within it, he was mine
so many times my heart has faltered, now I understand
the winding roads I travelled were all leading to this man

Yesterday, I know I loved him, even though I know
I never knew him, but I knew that someone loved me so
I used to dream that there was someone who was made for me
a perfect half, our souls entwined, a true loves destiny

Yesterday, I never held him like I do today
and I believe that in his arms is where I'm left to stay
how wonderful it feel to love without inhibition
yesterday cannot deny my heart this full submission

Bella Magic
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Don't Dodge Deal

For Jo-anne

Thankyou for your words encouraging me to start sharing my poetry again and making me realise that even if it's only one person who reads and enjoys my words, then they were not written in invisible ink. . .I thought the following poem was appropriate in regards to me not following through on what I started. I wrote it a couple of years ago about dealing with depression and insecurity. .


Don't Dodge, Deal

Take one step at a time on this road you walk upon
Recall to mind all you've done right and not what you've done wrong
We share the guilt of bad decisions, but the worst one we can make
is choosing to repeat what you've not learnt from your mistake

In moments when you want to run, it's always best to stay
If you don't deal with your demons, they will never go away
They'll keep snapping at your heels until you're bitten with regret
Dark memories will not disappear by simply choosing to forget

Don't try and hide your darkest thoughts, stand strong and embrace them
Their disappearance is immediate, just find your strength and face them
Each new day belongs to you, don't let the darkness steal it
if your self-doubt makes decisions, may your confidence appeal it

You know, given time, things aren't always as bad as they seem
Don't waste your time on negative, save all your energy to dream
You have the power to believe and the courage to aspire,
Find the strength to find a way to acheive what you desire

It will never be an easy fight against the voices from within
your soul will bear some battle scars, but it's worth it when you win
When you're up late and lonely the inspiration to stay strong
is to remember that today's turn to tomorrow's til we're gone

Bella-Magic
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I woke up crying

I wrote the following for the man that I am in love with and have been for close to 5 years now. I wrote this about being away from him when he was in prison. He changed his life for me and for his family. I couldn't love him anymore than what I do right now.

For Nathan

I woke up crying

I woke up crying knowing,
open eyes would not present me
The vision that I crave, as I long each night to be
Pinned down by the weight of you as iris blue collide
I woke up crying, knowing,
you were not lying by my side.

As I am hiding, waiting
under covers through the night
Tears falling on my pillow, rolling silent is my plight
Calling to my lover and until lover replies . .
I will always greet the morning,
with tears staining my eyes.

Bella Magic

To Stain the Soil

I have had a few days off - got lost in the long weekend. The first poem I am posting I wrote after seeing the Twin Towers fall.

To Stain the Soil

How are we meant to comprehend the tragic loss of life?
when we are told of hundreds murdered, by a martyrs sacrifice?
How do we still the hatred, fuelled by this constant grief?
Does every country have a hero, does every country have a theif?
How do we stem the flow of blood that's staining all soil red?
If, in life, we fight the difference, do we rest peaceful once we're dead?

Bella Magic